(If you’re looking for the podcast, it’s one post down…)

These are bleak times.  Looters stalk the streets of England.  The global economy teeters on the brink of collapse.  And 2010 X-Factor fourth-placed finalist Cher Lloyd has released a very bad single.

I think this may be the first time I’ve seen a number 1 single where the YouTube “dislikes” outnumber the “likes” by two to one.

Cher Lloyd’s interesting.  She’s divisive, which in itself is no bad thing.  We know from her X-Factor performances that she’s actually a pretty good singer, not that you’d know it from this track.  But she aspires to be a pop/rap crossover artist, which resulted in a lot of vaguely cringeworthy performances too.

The tabloids took against her in a big way (which doesn’t necessarily mean anything), while the show itself pretty clearly treated her as the Chosen One, which gave the unfortunate impression that she was being rammed down people’s throats.  She’s the sort of contestant that Simon Cowell describes as “relevant” – not that Cowell has any great track record in that field, since his own success came largely from middle of the road ballads and novelty records.  Perhaps understandably sensing an act who might do better in the real world, Cowell exercised his option to sign her anyway.  This record, apparently, is what happens when Simon Cowell tries to commission cool.

It’s perhaps surprising that they haven’t waited until the new series of X-Factor to promote the song, but then that would push the release a way back, and I suspect the idea is to release a few singles before putting the album out for Christmas.  Be assured she’ll be cropping up on X-Factor at some point. It’s inevitable.

“Swagger Jagger” itself is an extraordinary mess.  The verse is just about forgiveable in a sub-Diplo way, but the chorus is cribbed from “Clementine”, the title is gibberish, and the anti-haterz lyrics are laughable coming from someone whose response to the negative reviews was to declare herself so upset that she was doubting whether she wanted to continue with a career in music.  One has to wonder whether Cowell (and perhaps Lloyd herself) are trying to shoehorn her into a persona for which nobody involved is quite suited.

Eight people are credited with writing this record, and that doesn’t count the writers of “Clementine”.  What on earth did they all do?

While “Swagger Jagger” has made it to number one, it’s not going to manage a second week.  It was number 3 on the midweeks, and at time of writing, it’s at 8 on the iTunes chart.  It’s going to plummet out of the charts pretty quickly.

Some vaguely notable climbers in the top ten: “Little Bad Girl” by David Guetta has taken off in its fourth week, moving 16-19-13-6.  “Down With The Trumpets” by Rizzle Kicks also makes the top 10, and its chart record – 58-44-22-20-9 – shows pretty clearly that it’s gaining momentum the more people hear it.  As for the previous week’s deluge of Amy Winehouse back catalogue, most of it has vanished – the only survivor is “Back to Black”, dropping from 8 to 32 (though she’s still top of the album chart).

Further down the chart – mostly very far down the chart – there are five other new entries.  At 17 is “Jar of Hearts” by Christina Perri, which is likely to climb into the top 10 on Sunday.  It’s been out for five weeks without previously making the top 40, so there’s been a sudden surge of interest.  The song’s been in Glee, but that episode aired in Britain at the start of June (with the official cast version reaching number 63), so that’s not the reason for the sudden sales boost.  It’s certainly a Glee-friendly song, and it’s not got much competition in the market right now.  I’d guess that it just took her label a little while to get their act together with UK promotion.

Number 24 is “Cinema” by Benny Benassi ft Gary Go, which is an unusually sensitive number for the Italian DJ.  His other current single, “Beautiful People” with Chris Brown, is still around at 27.  Gary Go was a “next big thing” in 2009, when his debut single “Wonderful” made number 25, but he hasn’t been near the chart since.

Eminem is at number 36 with “Space Bound”, officially the fourth single from his current album.  Wikipedia tells me the video is controversial, though frankly this had passed me by.  (Apparently he shoots himself at the end, but to be honest I didn’t make it that far.)  It’s been climbing from the lower reaches for four weeks now, and it’s likely to go further.

Reminding us that literally anything can chart in the UK, number 37 is “Masterchef Synaesthesia” by Swede Mason, a two-minute YouTube mash-up based around samples of Masterchef judges Greg Wallace and John Torode.  It’s a completely ridiculous thing to have in the top 40, which is of course wonderful in itself.

And at number 38 – yes, outsold by “Masterchef Synaesthesia”, there’s “Otis” by Kanye West and Jay-Z featuring Otis Redding.  Curious fact: while this is technically Otis Redding’s 12th UK hit, the song sampled here, “Try a Little Tenderness”, only reached number 46 when it was released in Britain in 1967.