Right, the biggest WWE show of the year.  The fact that it’s now thrown in with the Network subscription, and that the network is available worldwide, makes it logically less significant financially than it used to be.  And that’s probably why there are no big name guest stars this years.  On top of that, the company’s increasingly dodgy writing has not provided the most inspiring build.  But it should still be good in the ring.

I’m watching this on the WWE Network as I write.  I haven’t read the results, as usual.  So basically first draft.

Okay, let’s get started.

We’re in the Levi’s Stadium in “the San Francisco Bay Area”.  It’s ridiculously large for a wrestling show.  The people at the back will be getting a better view if they watch their mobile phones.  Hell, the people a third of the way back will be getting a better view etc etc.  We’re outside in broad daylight (as we will be all show), which is an unusual atmosphere.

I’m not doing the pre-show, even though there were two matches on it.  The show itself is four hours long, for god’s sake.

– Aloe Blacc sings America The Beautiful.

– Video package about how wonderful and inspiring entertainment is.  Okay.

1.  WWE Intercontinental Title – Ladder Match: Daniel Bryan v. Bad News Barrett © v. Dolph Ziggler v. Stardust v. Luke Harper v. R-Truth v. Dean Ambrose.

Why are they fighting?  Well, it’s a title match where they’re dumping the guys who have nothing else to do, basically.  it’s designed to be a hot opener, though there’s a big range of importance here between the upper main eventers (Bryan, Ziggler, Ambrose), the mid carders (Barrett, Harper) and the are-they-still-under-contract (Stardust, R-Truth).  There’s been a dreadful build for this match involving everyone stealing the title belt from each other, which I suppose at least goes some way to justify the visual of them fighting to retrieve the belt.

The match: Fast start with everyone doing dives.  R-Truth tries to climb but he’s scared of heights, which is meant to be funny.  Everyone takes turns to climb and get stopped.  It’s not what you’d call a story-driven match, but then multi-way ladder matches never are.  Stardust gets superplexed from the top of a ladder.  Ambrose gets power bombed through a gimmicked ladder at ringside.  Barrett lays everyone else out with the Bull Hammer, except for Bryan.  Bryan gets rid of Barrett and climbs for the belt, but Ziggler pops up to stop him.  They trade headbutts, Ziggler falls, and Bryan retrieves the title to win.

Upshot: On paper this is a major step down for Bryan – the IC title is a lower mid card title – but there is talk that they’re finally going to have a stab at pushing the secondary titles more effectively.  We’ll see how that goes.  That was a good opener, anyway.  Not too dangerous as these things go, and I appreciate that the guys who took the big spots didn’t get back up two minutes later.

– Advert for the clothing line.

2.  Randy Orton v. Seth Rollins (w/Jamie Noble & Joey Mercury).

Why are they fighting?  Rollins joined the Authority, usurped Orton’s position as the faction’s top in-ring guy, and tried to take Orton out for good.  Orton turns face – or at least antihero – in response, and wants revenge.  Rollins still has his Money in the Bank title shot, by the way, so he’s presumably getting the World Title sooner or later, and ought to be kept reasonably strong for that purpose.  Noble and Mercury (“J&J Security”) are retired mid carders now serving as the Authority’s Keystone Cop bodyguards.

The match: Technical start.  Orton goes for the RKO early, but doesn’t get it.  He tries again, but J&J Security distract him, so he takes them out instead.  Rollins uses the confusion to hit a big dive and gain control.  He tries for his curb stomp finisher, but Orton reverses.   Orton gets the RKO on something like the fourth attempt, but Rollins kicks out.  Orton tries for his punt, but J&J Security run in to block it.  (Which ought to be a DQ, but I guess the logic is that  Orton hit them first.  A better reason would have been that the punt is an illegal move anyway.)  Rollins hits the curb stomp, but it only gets 2.  He blocks another RKO, but another curb stomp attempt is somehow (and yet quite fluidly) reversed into a second RKO for the pin.  Orton wins.

Upshot: Orton wins in the expected finisher-trading Wrestlemania match.  Presumably the blow-off to their feud.  Even enough to keep Rollins strong, and a nice finishing sequence.

– Ronda Rousey, the UFC Women’s Bantamweight Champion, is in the crowd.

3.  Sting v. Triple H.

Why are they wrestling?  Sting was one of the top guys in WCW, and this is a sort of coda to his career.  He’s still in good shape.  He says he’s here to stop Triple H screwing up WWE the way that WCW’s management did for it.  Triple H sees this as an opportunity to destroy the last vestige of WCW.  There’s nothing explicitly on the line here, so a win for Sting would seem sensible, but it’s hard to see where it goes.  Victory is by pin or submission only (so expect a lot of ringside brawling, then).

The match: Triple H has an outrageously camp entrance themed on Terminator, of all things.  They trade basics, and Sting gets the upper hand.  “You still got it” chant.  Sting dominates the first few minutes, but makes the mistake of following outside, where he misses a Stinger Splash and hits the barricade.  Triple H takes control.  The commentators are burying Sting for not coming to WWE earlier, pushing a WWE-vs-WCW angle which doesn’t really reflect the crowd reaction.  Sting makes his comeback and applies his Scorpion Deathlock finisher.  The DX music fires up and Road Dogg, Billy Gunn and X-Pac run in – to be instantly despatched by Sting.  HHH tries for his Pedigree, but gets blocked.  Another distraction lets him hit it on the second attempt, but Sting kicks out.  Amazing how much less effective finishers are at Wrestlemania.  It’s the atmosphere, you see.  The adrenalin.  Triple H fetches his sledgehammer, and this time the nWo music starts.  It’s Kevin Nash, Hulk Hogan and Scott Hall.  The nursing homes must be empty today.  Anyhow, the nWo easily despatch DX, and Sting hits the Scorpion Death Drop for 2.  A second Scorpion Deathlock follows.  HHH tries to reach his sledgehammer, but Hogan takes it away.  More brawling on the outside while HHH continues to nobly resist the submission for an implausibly long period.  Finally he makes the ropes.  Sting tries for a third Scorpion Deathlock, but the other DX member Shawn Michaels runs in and Superkicks Sting.  HHH covers, but Sting still kicks out at 2.  Triple H gets his sledgehammer, but Sting is handed his signature WCW-era baseball bat.  The baseball bat destroys the sledgehammer, which is certainly remarkable physics.  Triple H still uses the sledgehammer head to whack Sting in the head and pin him.  Somewhat improbably, they shake hands after the match.

Upshot: Well, that exhausted California’s smoke and mirrors supply, didn’t it?  But both guys are getting on in years, and the bottom line is that it worked with the crowd, who clearly took it as the 90s-war nostalgia fest that it was intended as.  I can see an argument for Triple H winning, though they’re increasingly booking themselves into a corner with a dominant heel who can never be meaningfully beaten short of writing him out of the show permanently.  But if they’re doing a rematch at Summerslam, Triple H should win here; and if Sting had won here, the lack of consequence would be a problem too.  Thing is, they shouldn’t have booked a match with no apparent consequences in the first place.

– Trailers for some shows on WWE Network.  Oh christ, the Diva Search is back.

– Backstage promo: legends congratulate Daniel Bryan on his title win.  Well, that was a minute of airtime.

– Skylar Grey, Travis Barker and Kid Ink do a song, to little discernible crowd interest.

4.  Paige & AJ Lee v. Brie Bella & Nikki Bella.

Why are they wrestling? Oh, just because.  They’re women on the main roster, so they don’t have consistent personalities, use squabbles.  The Bellas are the heels, if it matters.  But this is an interesting match because of the emergence of the #givedivasachance campaign to get more time for women’s matches on the main roster – something that the company has obliquely acknowledged and that many of the performers have explicitly supported.  So how long will they get?

The match: The Bellas take AJ out and work over Paige.  Boy, it doesn’t take much to keep AJ down, does it?  The story is that every time AJ gets back on the apron, the Bellas take her out.  Nikki hits the Rack Attack on Paige, but it’s Wrestlemania, so Paige kicks out.  Finally Paige makes her own comeback, and takes out both Bellas on her own before making the hot tag to AJ, who is suddenly feeling fine despite having spent five minutes reeling on the floor outside.  AJ goes for the Black Widow on Nikki, but Brie breaks it up.  Paige takes out Brie, and AJ re-applies the Widow for the win.

The upshot: Basic and relatively short, with a couple of awkward looking spots, but it was a proper match with enough time to tell a meaningful story, certainly by the standards of the main roster women.  Not a fan of having people sell borderline unconsciousness from falling three feet to the floor and being fine when they finally get tagged in, though.  Consistency of ground rules, people!

– Hall of Fame video package.

5.  WWE United States Title: Rusev © (w/Lana) v John Cena.

Why are they fighting?  Because Rusev is a dastardly undefeated Russian (well, Bulgarian, but shhh), and Cena is a noble patriot who must liberate the United States Title from him.  Rusev already beat Cena in February, but it took a low blow.  There’s also an apparent secondary project to rehabilitate the US Title, first by having it on a dominant heel for an extended run, and then by having an established main eventer like Cena treat it as a big deal.  Rusev’s estranged manager Lana is back with him thanks to an angle on the pre-show.  (She was actually written off so that she could go and film a movie, but evidently they had second thoughts about leaving her off this show.)

The match: Cena explodes off the blocks, but Rusev cuts him off and beats him up before pausing to pose with the Russian flag.  Unsurprisingly, that lets Cena mount a comeback, but Rusev escapes the Attitude Adjustment and goes back to taking most of the match.  Cena applies the STF.  Lana throws her shoe into the ring, which I assume was meant to hit Cena, but didn’t.  Rusev makes the ropes anyway.   Rusev escapes a second AA attempt and goes back to the Accolade, but Cena powers out – the first time that’s been done, but it’s Wrestlemania and you can do that.   Lana distracts Cena, but heel miscommunication leads to Rusev knocking her off the apron himself.  Cena hits the AA on the third go and gets the pin.  Afterwards, Lana is selling an injured ankle, but Rusev walks off and leaves her.  .)

The upshot: Odd to see Cena wrestling third from the top of the card, but they are on a drive to convince us that a changing of the guard is coming, and part of that is to move Cena into a veteran role.  An odd side effect is that the crowd liked Cena a lot more than super-hardcore audiences usually do, but that may have translated more into apathy than actual support.  Good match.  Cena wouldn’t have been my choice to beat Rusev but if they’re serious about rehabbing the US Title then this will certainly help.  We’ll see how long that lasts, though.

– Highlights of the pre-show.

– The Authority (Triple H and Stephanie McMahon) do a promo.  They announce some no-doubt-fabricated attendance record and do their usual schtick.  The Rock interrupts and issues a challenge to Triple H.  Triple H says no.  Stephanie slaps the Rock and orders him to leave.  Rock won’t hit a woman, so he heads to the front row and fetches Ronda Rousey, who is less concerned.  (They’re both in Furious 7, apparently.)  She helps drive the Authority out of the ring.  That took going on twenty minutes what with all the pausing for reaction, but the crowd enjoyed it.

6.  Bray Wyatt v. The Undertaker.

Why are they fighting?  Undertaker’s unbeaten streak at Wrestlemania ended last year when he was beaten by Brock Lesnar, and he hasn’t been seen since.  Wyatt, whose cult-leader schtick is along not dissimilar lines, has issued this challenge in an attempt to make his name and prove that the torch has been passed.  Undertaker, presumably, just doesn’t want to end his career on a high-profile loss.  I’m assuming Undertaker wins here, since the value in beating him was cashed in last year.

The match: Well, we get pretty much the whole of Wyatt’s awesome theme music, so that’s good.  They can’t dim the lights for Undertaker’s entrance (because it’s still daylight), so we get a ton of smoke and the camera moves up the entrance ramp until it alights on… a techie crossing the stage.  Whoops.  Oh, here’s the Undertaker.  Hello, Undertaker.

Undertaker dominates with his signature stuff, because that’s what people want from the annual Undertaker match.  Wyatt makes a fairly basic comeback.  Weird spot where Wyatt whacks Undertaker’s head against the ring post but injures his own leg against the ring steps in the process.  I don’t know what they were going for there, but Wyatt looked a complete moron in the execution.  Undertaker goes for his Hell’s Gate submission, but Wyatt blocks.  Wyatt gets 2 from a big slam and a running senton.  He goes for the Sister Abigail, but Undertaker blocks, chokeslams, and hits the Tombstone.  Wyatt kicks out!  Okay, I bought that as the finish, actually.  Wyatt escapes a second Tombstone attempt and hits his Sister Abigail for 2.  Both guys sell exhaustion as they trade blows.  Undertaker blocks another Sister Abigail attempt, and hits a second Tombstone for the pin.

The upshot: That was pretty ordinary unless you’re really into the mythology of Undertaker at Wrestlemania.  But he’s fifty years old now, and if he was going to come back at all, he needed to win – having him come back for a second consecutive loss would just have been sad.

7.  WWE World Heavyweight Title: Brock Lesnar © (w/ Paul Heyman) v Roman Reigns.

Why are they fighting?  Well, because Lesnar’s the champion – even though he has an incredibly favourable contract that requires very few dates, so he hardly ever defends – and Reigns got a title shot by winning the 2015 Royal Rumble.  The original idea here was for Reigns to be the rising star who would triumphantly win the title on the big show, but the crowd doesn’t seem to be buying him in that role.  It doesn’t help that they’ve saddled him with the new tag line “I Can.  I Will.”, which, as somebody online pointed out – I forget who, I’m sorry – makes it sound like Lesnar is defending against The Little Engine That Could.  Lesnar is supposed to be the heel, but he’s just re-signed with the company and announced his retirement from UFC, and the general prediction is that the hardcore fans that dominate a Wrestlemania crowd will be firmly behind him.  I feel rather sorry for Reigns, since the backlash is really directed at the writing rather than at him personally.  A double-turn is a definite possibility.

The match: Both guys basically make their regular entrance with added pyro, which is in character.  Paul Heyman does Lesnar’s ring announcement, which is naturally awesome.  Reigns charges, and it doesn’t go well.  Lesnar hits the F5 within the first minute but doesn’t cover.  He’s apparently in the mood to really destroy someone.  That rarely seems to be a good idea, Brock, but we’ll see how it works out for you.  Brock is basically mocking Reigns, no-selling his punches and throwing him about the ring.  Finally Lesnar hits a second F5 and covers, but Reigns kicks out at 2.  More suplexes and a third F5, but again Reigns kicks out at 2.  They go outside, and Reigns manages to send Lesnar head first into the ring post.  Lesnar is bleeding and looks dazed.  This is Reigns’ opening.  Three Superman Punches and two spears finally get Brock down for a 2-count.  Reigns tries for a fourth Superman Punch but gets caught and F5-ed.  Both guys are down.  Suddenly, Seth Rollins runs out to cash in his Money in the Bank title shot by adding himself to the match.  He hits a curb stomp on Brock.  Brock blocks a second, but Reigns spears him out of the ring.  Rollins quickly pins Reigns with a curb stomp to win the title, and runs away with the belt before Lesnar can do anything about it.

The upshot: Well, courage in defeat, and all that.  The crowd weren’t going to get behind a Reigns win, so I guess instead the plan is to put the character over as never quitting, and the performer over as paying his dues.  They get the title back into circulation; they’ve set up Orton, Reigns and Lesnar as challengers for the title; and given that Rollins could never have beaten Lesnar in a fair fight, he’s actually done something smart by adding himself to an existing match so that he can win the belt by pinning someone else.  Lesnar is kept strong and set up for a babyface turn when he returns later in the year to fight Rollins, and Reigns hopefully gets some sympathy out of it.  Pretty successful match, all told, and it’s always good to see them break from the usual format.

Worth seeing?  Sure, certainly at WWE Network prices.  No bad matches here – the women’s tag and the Undertaker match are a bit ordinary, but that’s the worst you can say – and the main event really works for me.