Oh, alright, then.  I’m going to watch this show, so why not set out a few thoughts as I do that, and open a comments thread for anyone who wants to chip in?

I’m watching this on Monday night on Apple TV – which, by the way, doesn’t have a WWE Network app in the UK, whatever the WWE website may claim, so I’m Airplaying it from an iPad, which is terribly convenient.

1.  The New Age Outlaws (Billy Gunn & Road Dogg) v The Ascension (Konnor & Viktor).  This is the first time since joining the main roster that the Ascension have fought anyone other than jobbers.  And they’re facing two retired guys.  The angle here is that the Ascension run down the great tag teams of history and claim to be better than all of them, while the commentators insist vigorously that the Ascension are actually terrible and can only beat complete losers.  They’d better be winning here, because otherwise they’re pretty much on their way back to NXT in a box.

I haven’t read any of the results, by the way.  Should have mentioned that.

Well, that wasn’t very good, was it?  Gunn misses the Fameasser and the Ascension pin him with the Fall of Man in 5:30.  Call it *1/2 .  The Ascension needed to look dominant against a pair of retirees.  Instead they just had a competitive (if short) match where it took them the better part of two minutes to get in any offence.  That is not, whatever the commentators may be telling me, “a great win”.  That is a weak effort for Superstars.

Video package, video package, video package, video package… jesus, can you not fast forward on this thing?

2.  WWE Tag Team Titles: Jey Uso & Jimmy Uso © v The Miz & Damien Mizdow.  I can only assume the Usos are retaining here.  Oh, Mizdow’s over with this crowd.  No surprise there.  He’s now doing Miz’s entrance schtick slightly behind him, so that the crowd can boo Miz and cheer him.  They’re both in the Rumble, aren’t they?  How’s the gimmick going to work there?  Maybe that’s the point.

Usual Les Miz match where Miz wants the spotlight and won’t tag his more popular partner.  Oh, Jey Uso kicks out of Miz’s finisher.  The thing about this gimmick is that since they want to play up Mizdow not getting into the ring, Miz has to remain competitive on his own, which in turn means that he’s apparently so good that he can virtually beat the tag champions singlehandedly.  I guess keeping the emphasis on Mizdow demands it, though.

Jey Uso hits the Superfly Splash and Mizdow breaks it up.  Mizdow loyally hits his (i.e., Miz’s) finisher on Jey and lets Miz cover, but Jey kicks out a second time.  Finally Jimmy pins Miz with a second Splash, in a match where Mizdow never legally tagged in.  I’m assuming we’ll see that followed up in the Rumble?  That was quite entertaining, anyway.

More filler segments.  Analyst panel.  Recap of the dark match (!).  J&J Security do some product placement.  Seth Rollins proposes to win his match.  Wrestlemania is in 63 days time.  (62, as I write this.)

3.  The Bella Twins (Brie Bella & Nikki Bella) v Natalya & Paige.  Oh, and here’s another filler segment.  Paige is apparently a probably-insincere babyface now, for reasons apparently connected to Total Divas, because nothing says “coherent storytelling” like building stories around events on a worked reality show which purports not to take place in WWE continuity.

Paige and Natalya work as a team despite Paige’s flakiness.  Eventually Natalya plays face in peril for an extended period, then the Bellas block her from making a tag, and Nikki pins her with a forearm.  Well, that certainly was a thing that happened.  The crowd literally couldn’t care less, which is a shame – they did give them more time than usual to have a proper match, and a slot on the card where there was a reasonable chance people would care.  But no.  I think fans have just been trained not to care about the women’s division, and it’s going to take something more than a competent tag match (well, with one badly botched spot) to change that.

4.  WWE World Heavyweight Title: Brock Lesnar © (w/ Paul Heyman) v John Cena v Seth Rollins (w/J&J Security).  There’s two hours still to go, and just this and the Royal Rumble, so this is presumably going long.  I’m guessing Cena wins and then Rollins cashes in his Money in the Bank title shot to win in turn.  There’s a lot of things they could do.  But they were teasing Lesnar/Sting earlier tonight, and that’s surely not going to be a title match, so chances are high that he’s losing one way or another.

Incidentally, Lesnar has only defended this title once since winning it at Summerslam.  And he lost that match by DQ.  #dominance.

It’s a Philly crowd of hardcore fans, so of course they hate Cena.  Fast start.  Lesnar dominates both his opponents in the early going, and gets rid of J&J Security pretty much instantly, which is a babyface spot for him, surely?  Basic story here is that Lesnar dominates unless Rollins and Cena work together against him, but whenever they get him out of the ring they go for quick wins against each other.  Normally WWE three-ways tend to be guys taking turns to leave the ring, but this is more of a genuine three-way, I guess because the story demands it.  This is pretty good.  Lesnar takes three AAs and the Peace Of Mind in a row and is still largely unfazed.  They’re putting him over as a superman.  Eventually Cena whacks him over the head with the ring steps and Rollins does an elbow drop from the top rope to put him through the Spanish announce table.  That finally gets him to stop moving so that Cena and Rollins can wrestle each other for a bit.

Cena puts Rollins in the STF, and J&J Security run in to make the save (triple threat matches are No DQ), while the doctors show up to stretcher Lesnar out.  Cena makes his heroic comeback to get rid of J&J Security for the second time.  He and Rollins kick out of each other’s finishers.  Rollins hits a corkscrew moonsault but a miraculously revivified Lesnar runs in to kill everyone and F5 Rollins for the pin in just under 23 minutes.

Okay, that was very good.  If you’re going to have Lesnar doing a stretcher job then just having him suddenly pop up and run back into the ring barely selling anything seems slightly questionable, but they were going for the superman angle.  Definitely pulling out the stops to go for the big match feel, and pretty much hitting the mark.  Pretty obviously structured with Lesnar as the pseudo-babyface, as well, even though he’s notionally a heel – no interference from Heyman whatsoever.

5.  2015 Royal Rumble.  Is anyone still reading this who doesn’t know the rules?  It’s a battle royal.  30 entrants, everyone draws a number and enters in sequence at two minute intervals or thereabouts.  Elimination by going over the top rope and having both feet hit the floor (so there’s always at least one “somebody saves themselves from elimination in creative way” spot).  Winner challenges for the World Title at Wrestlemania, in what will be announced as the “main event” regardless of whether it actually headlines the show.  Of the announced competitors, there’s a distinct shortage of plausible winners – basically just Roman Reigns and Daniel Bryan – but there are plenty of unannounced slots and I know the Rock was teasing that he’d be in it.

Miz is #1.  R-Truth is #2.  I’d forgotten he was still on the roster.  JBL, on commentary, advises wrestlers to stay away from the ropes and hide in the corners.  What does he think the corners are made of?  Bubba Ray Dudley is #3 to the delight of the middle-aged ECW fans in the crowd, and he and R-Truth do the Dudleyz’ old double team spots to eliminate Miz.  Bubba instantly dispatches R-Truth.

Luke Harper is #4.  His former mentor Bray Wyatt is #5.  They dispose of Bubba and decide to team up against whoever shows up next. Curtis Axel is #6, but the remaining ex-Wyatt Family member, Erick Rowan (who didn’t qualify for the Rumble), nails him on the ramp and charges the ring.  Wyatt takes advantage to get rid of Harper.  The Boogeyman is #7 for another nostalgia pop.  He doesn’t last long.  Nor does Sin Cara at #8.  Nor does Zack Ryder (!) at #9.  Quite the low-end star power they’re throwing at Bray here.  This schtick usually ends with a proper star showing up to pose a real threat…

And as I type that, here’s Daniel Bryan at #10.  Fandango is #11.  Tyson Kidd is #12, so Bryan’s now in there with three heels.  Stardust is #13.  Bryan eliminates Kidd, then he and Wyatt brawl outside for a bit to leave the ring clear for Diamond Dallas Page at #14 to do some more nostalgia.  Rusev is #15, and promptly gets rid of DDP and Fandango.  Bryan heroically takes on Rusev and Wyatt at the same time, and gets eliminated.  The crowd don’t like that, but then he did win last year and there’s nowhere to go in having him win again, other than a repeat.  If he’s not winning, best make him look strong and get him out of the way in the hope that the crowd have forgotten by the time you reach the ending.  Well, best keep him out of the match entirely, to be honest, but they didn’t think of that.

Goldust is #16.  The crowd is angry that Daniel Bryan has been eliminated.  #17 is Kofi Kingston.  The crowd is angry that Daniel Bryan has been eliminated.  #18 is Adam Rose, and he gets his full entrance so that Kofi can land on his Rosebuds and crowd surf to safety – only for the Rosebuds to ignore Rose as he flies straight past them to the floor.  Cute.  Oh, did Kingston get eliminated somewhere?  I missed that.

#19 is Roman Reigns, and the crowd boo him because Daniel Bryan has been eliminated.  Not his fault, guys.  He eliminates Goldust and Stardust, which leaves him with Rusev and Wyatt.  Big E is #20, giving us a second chance to enjoy the New Day’s uninspiring entrance video.  Damien Mizdow is #21.  The crowd like him!  Miz tries to take his spot, but Mizdow enters the ring and… promptly gets eliminated by Rusev.  Then he goes back to mimicking Miz’s tantrum, which is cute.  The crowd realise that fun time is over, and go back to being angry that Daniel Bryan has been eliminated.

Jack Swagger is #22, and the fans are willing to chant along with his catchphrase.  Ryback is #23, and he goes after Rusev to further their feud.  Kane is #24.  The ring is now full of big guys and not much is happening.  Dean Ambrose is #25, and the crowd is behind him.  Don’t get your hopes up, guys.  Titus O’Neil is #26, and he goes straight out.  Bad News Barrett is #27.  Still not much is happening.  This looks like they’re setting up for somebody to come in and clear out the ring for a big pop.  Cesaro is #28.  There goes Big E.  The Big Show is #29.  He and Kane, as Authority stablemates, team up to eliminate uppity babyfaces Ryback and Swagger.

And #30 is Dolph Ziggler.  So no Rock.  He gets rid of Barrett and Cesaro before getting eliminated by the Authority duo.  Hey, when did Rusev get eliminated?  Oh well.  The Authority duo eliminate Wyatt, leaving ex-Shield members Ambrose and Reigns.  The crowd isn’t pleased, because Daniel Bryan has been eliminated.  Ambrose is eliminated.  The crowd know Reigns is going to win, and they turn on the match.  The Authority duo start squabbling among themselves, and Reigns eliminates them both to a chorus of boos.  They re-enter the ring to beat up Reigns, and the Rock runs in to make the save and attempt to endorse Reigns.  The crowd isn’t having it.  Oh, hold on, there’s Rusev!  He was never eliminated after all.  Reigns finishes him off, to win the match for real.

Well, that didn’t work at all, did it?  Not that it wasn’t predictable.  Reigns isn’t ready for this, and the Rumble – in Philly of all places – attracts hardcore fans who were going to reject him to voice displeasure at the booking.  But that’s two years running they’ve booked a Royal Rumble that the crowd (albeit an atypical crowd) violently rejected, and you’d think some lessons would be learned there.  Granted, it’s not like they had many great alternatives this year, but Reigns is not the guy for this role at this moment.

Very good title match, a backfiring Rumble, and a pretty forgettable undercard.