It’s getting late in the week… best get this one done, hadn’t I?

And we start with… good god, are this lot still going?

30.  M.A.D. – “Shotgun”

Yes, it’s Britain’s lowest-budget boy band, this time standing next to a motionless truck in a field next to the A74.  There’s something genuinely a bit tragic about this bunch, to be honest.  Apparently the girl in issue is “making my heart beat”, which suggests they may be confusing women with defibrillators.

22.  One Direction – “You and I”

A fourth single from the “Midnight Memories” album seems to have had negligible impact beyond the diehards.  This was 12 in the midweeks, landed at 22 on Sunday, and will be gone next week.  It’s actually a surprisingly passable ballad.

Simon & Schuster evidently have faith in the marketability of all things One Direction, having just reportedly paid a six figure sum for the rights to Anna Todd’s serialised novel “After”, which, at least in its online form, apparently consists largely of erotic Harry Styles fanfic.

21.  Lana Del Rey – “West Coast”

Probably set to be another one-week visitor – it’s clinging on at 37 in the midweeks, but that doesn’t exactly bode well.  This is the lead single from her upcoming album “Ultraviolence”, and it does actually see her broadening her musical palette a bit, even though the Lana Del Rey persona remains pretty much the same as ever.

17.  Twin Atlantic – “Heart and Soul”

Well, that’s a bit unexpected.  Twin Atlantic are a Glaswegian rock band, who seem to be firmly in 80s FM mode on this track.  They’ve been around for years – their first single came out in 2007 – but they’ve had no previous chart impact whatsoever.  They had a minor international success with a track called “Free” in 2011, if by “success” you mean “got to number 33 on the Canadian rock chart”.  I like this, actually – this sort of thing has been out of fashion for so long that I’m surprised more people haven’t tried to dust off the sound.  It’s increasingly unusual to see guitar bands of any sort in the top 40, too.

9.  Ellie Goulding – “Beating Heart”

From the soundtrack of “Divergent”, this is a song which features lyrics like “the departure lounge of disbelief”, presumably adjacent to the check-in desk of destiny and the duty free shop of inspiration.  It’s very Ellie Goulding.

3.  Klingande – “Jubel”

Klingande are a French duo, and this track has been a hit for them across Europe.  For once, the UK is getting one of these pan-European chill-out tracks without a clumsy song vocal dumped over the top, which makes a pleasant change.  “Jubel” is apparently roughly equivalent to “cheers” in Scandinavian languages.

1.  Secondcity – “I Wanna Feel”

The endless turnover of number 1s continues with another dance track.  Rowan Harrington is originally from Chicago, but he moved to the UK when he was 12, so he counts as one of ours.  It’s another of those tracks compiled from vocal samples from an old record – in this case, “You’re Makin’ Me High” by Toni Braxton, a number 7 hit in 1996.

On the album chart, a busy week.

• “In the Lonely Hour” by Sam Smith at 1. His single “Stay With Me” drops to 2 this week.
• “Me.  I Am Mariah… The Elusive Chanteuse” by Mariah Carey at 14.  Yes, that really is the title.  This long-delayed album has been in development since 2012 and a number 14 placing – particularly in the current market – is hardly impressive.  The lead single was “#Beautiful”, which you might remember from over a year ago.
• “A Letter Home” by Neil Young at 17.  His 35th album, a collection of covers recorded in a Voice-o-Graph booth in Tennessee.  Sounds like one for the completists, doesn’t it?
• “Do It Again” by Royksopp & Robyn at 20.  A five-track mini-album (though a couple of those tracks are ten minutes long) from the Norwegian duo who were big a decade ago, and the Swedish singer who’s big with pop cognoscenti.  Single: “Do It Again”.
• “Big Night” by Peter Andre at 23.  It’s a Peter Andre swing album!  Who wouldn’t want that?  Mind you, for all that everyone treats his career as a running joke, it’s been doing for 21 years now, so maybe he’s getting the last laugh.  Single: “Big Night”.
• “Are We There” by Sharon van Etten at 27.  A singer-songwriter from Brooklyn, now onto her fourth album, but charting in the UK for the first time.  Single: “Taking Chances”.
• “Runes” by Bury Tomorrow at 34.  A metalcore band who’ve been nominated for “best British newcomer” at this year’s Kerrang awards; apparently even the rock specialist press didn’t notice their previous two albums.  Single: “Man on Fire”.
• “Meteorites” by Echo and the Bunnymen at 37.  Their first new album in five years.  Echo is currently a duo of founding members Ian McCulloch and Will Sergeant.  Single: “Market Town”.
• “Dance Again” by Life Worship at 38.  Christian worship music making one of its rare appearances in the chart.  Musically, they’re quite listenable, but as with so many worship bands, they are yet to be convinced of the merits of subtext.  Single: “Dance Again”.