Survivor Series is meant to be one of the more important B-shows on the WWE’s PPV calendar, if only because it’s been around a good long while, but the line-up this year is, to put it politely, largely uninspiring.  There are a couple of promising matches on the undercard, but not much to persuade people to shell out.

1.  WWE Title – Randy Orton © v The Big Show.  Common sense might have suggested that after several months of being screwed out of the title, Daniel Bryan had to win the thing at some point, if only to provide some sense of closure.  Common sense, however, is in short supply among WWE writers, and so we’re simply moving on to another challenger.

While Orton and Bryan had been done to death, this match is, if anything, even less enticing.  It’s really a backdrop to the ongoing “Authority” storyline, with Triple H and Stephanie as the out-of-control company owners.  Orton is their handpicked champion, though they occasionally show signs of being disappointed with his performance.  Nonetheless, the basic set-up is that they’re going to keep him as champion come hell or high water.  Big Show is getting this match because he demanded it as part of a settlement of a legal action which would otherwise have supposedly ruined the company; he was, however, apparently far too stupid to insist on any stipulations that might ensure a fair result.

This leaves this match with a number of major problems to overcome.  First, given how the Daniel Bryan feud went, there’s simply no reason to think that Orton can lose.  Second, the real heat is on Triple H, not on Orton.  Third, it’s not a very interesting match on its own terms.  And fourth, I just don’t buy the idea of the massive giant as an underdog babyface.  It’s just a weird way of using him.

Orton will win, it’ll be a screwjob finish (Survivor Series often is, notionally as a homage to the Montreal Screwjob from Survivor Series 1997), and the match will be average.

2.  World Heavyweight Title: John Cena © v Alberto Del Rio.  John Cena returned from surgery last month, way ahead of schedule, and promptly beat Alberto Del Rio for the World Heavyweight Title.  Notionally this title is equal in status to the WWE Title, but in practice it’s a distant number two.  Somewhat surprisingly, that hasn’t changed overnight.  The World Heavyweight Title remains a distant second, and is not the focal point of storylines.

One thing that has happened since the last show is that Damien Sandow finally cashed in his “Money in the Bank” title shot and fought Cena for the title.  He lost, becoming the first person to attempt an ambush and fail.  So much for that.

That leaves Survivor Series to feature a straight rematch between Cena and Del Rio.  The storyline is simply that Cena may have returned from injury too soon and is therefore possibly vulnerable to attacks on his surgically repaired arm.  Happily, Del Rio’s long-established finishing move is a cross armbreaker.

That’s all well and good as a story for the match, but I just don’t think anyone believes Cena’s going to simply lose the title straight back to Del Rio, particularly since that would just trigger another rematch, and it’s not as if anyone seems all that excited about the story so far.  Cena will win, it’ll be okay.

3.  CM Punk & Daniel Bryan v The Wyatt Family (Luke Harper & Erick Rowan).  This is a bit more like it.  Since CM Punk and Daniel Bryan apparently aren’t welcome in the Authority storyline right now, they need something else to do.  And so they’re now feuding with the Wyatt Family – the Southern Gothic trio of Bray Wyatt and his shambling henchmen Luke Harper and Erick Rowan.  The Family are basically mad cultists, who make seemingly random attacks on people, after which their mentor Bray delivers rambling speeches about buzzards and such forth.  It’s a pretty good gimmick; the theatrics work for them, and there’s a genuine sense that there’s something a bit off about them.

Harper and Rowan do most of the wrestling, as a tag team.  On one level that’s odd, as Wyatt’s perfectly fine, while Rowan’s not fantastic.  But Wyatt’s the one best placed to deliver the charismatic rambles, and the nature of the gimmick requires him to take the back seat while his henchmen do the work.  (Generally, Wyatt watches their matches from a rocking chair on the ramp, with a beatific smile.)

Of the matches on this card, this is the one that actually works in storyline terms, if you’re prepared to overlook the fact that Bryan seems to have simply lost interest in the Authority despite never getting his revenge.  The Family have attacked both Punk and Bryan for no apparent reason, but then that’s what they do, because they’re disturbed and disturbing.  The babyfaces want revenge.  Crucially, it comes across as an elevation for the Wyatts rather than a case of Punk and Bryan being downgraded.

This should be good – Punk and Bryan are great, Harper can be very good.  Rowan’s not on a par with the others, but he’ll be fine in a tag match.  I expect the Family to win, partly to extend the feud, and partly because the win will benefit them a lot more than it will hurt the babyfaces.

4.  10-man elimination tag match: Cody Rhodes, Goldust, Jey Uso, Jimmy Uso & Rey Mysterio v Dean Ambrose, Seth Rollins, Roman Reigns, Antonio Cesaro & Jack Swagger.  Once upon a time, the gimmick of Survivor Series was that the show was made up entirely of elimination tag team matches.  Nowadays, you get a token one or two on the show.

There are several reasons for that.  First, elimination tag matches are long.  This one has to run to a minimum of five falls.  Second, an entire card of elimination tag matches needs a roster with depth; you get through a lot of guys, and there’s only so many filler guys you can put on a PPV.  Third, loads of people have to get pinned, and that’s not always brilliant for storylines either.

Still, it’s a fine way of using some people from the upper mid card who aren’t doing much otherwise.  So here we have the tag champions Cody Rhodes & Goldust teaming up with the Usos and Rey Mysterio, who’s been off with an injury for ages and probably still should be, to take on the Shield and the Real Americans.  There’s no real storyline to any of this, but everyone in the match is a good wrestler, and they should surely be able to do a decent job.  I would hazard a guess that the heels win in order to set up a match between the Real Americans and the Rhodes Brothers for the tag titles, but it doesn’t hugely matter.

5.  14 woman elimination tag match: Natalya, Brie Bella, Nikki Bella, Cameron, Naomi, JoJo & Eva Marie v AJ Lee, Tamina Snuka, Kaitlyn, Rosa Mendes, Summer Rae, Aksana & Alicia Fox.  God help us all.  I’ve previously mentioned the Total Divas reality show, which has done surprisingly well for the company.  The first team is all the girls from Total Divas, the second is everyone who isn’t on the show.  The non-reality-TV team includes the Divas Champion, AJ Lee.  It’s also an all-heel team except for Kaitlyn.  (And possibly Alicia Fox, who has no defined character and flips back and forth according to convenience on the rare occasions when they bother using her.)

On paper, this sounds excruciating.  Women’s matches on PPV are usually kept short.  There are some excellent women wrestlers in the USA, but the vast majority of the women on the WWE roster are not among them.  In fact, the standards of women’s matches on NXT, the developmental show, is consistently far higher than anything you’ll see on Raw or Smackdown.  This at least bodes well for the future.  In the present, we have a match with these bozos running to a minimum of seven falls.

Some of these people can wrestle.  Natalya can.  Brie Bella’s improved.  One of the Funkadactyls is alright.  AJ’s decent when she has somebody to work with.  Tamina and Kaitlyn are both fine.  Summer Rae, from seeing her on NXT, is perfectly solid.  On the other hand, Rosa Mendes and Aksana are pretty bad.  And JoJo and Eva Marie are a mystery – on Total Divas, they’re presented as the rookies who’ve just joined the main roster.  But they hardly ever set foot in the ring, nor do they wrestle on NXT.  This tends to suggest that nobody really has any confidence in them, but that they looked like people who’d make for good reality TV.

I’m sure they’ll rush through this as much as they can, but there’s only so far you can rush a 14-person elimination tag.  This could be brutally awful.

My guess would be that the Total Divas team wins, partly because that way they can avoid having to put JoJo and Eva Marie in the ring, and partly because they’re notionally the babyfaces here, and if the outcome doesn’t really matter, the babyfaces ought to win in order to send the crowd home happy.  In practice, live crowds don’t like Total Divas and tend to turn on it when they’re reminded it exists.  It doesn’t follow that the audience at home feels the same way.  (The dreaded “Diva Search” segments from a few years back apparently did reasonably well in the ratings, but live crowds consistently rejected them.)

6.  Kofi Kingston v The Miz.  This is on the pre-show, and it’s basically two mid carders with not much else to do.  Miz has finally turned heel again after a failed run as a babyface.  He’s better in this role; he just doesn’t convince as a good guy.  To be fair, it’s remarkably hard to get over with cynical modern crowds as a straightforward hero, which is what he was trying to do.  (Sami Zayn is doing it in NXT, but that’s complicated somewhat by the fact that the live audience – which skews heavily towards hardcore fans – plainly recognises him as indie wrestler El Generico.)

Where was I?  Oh yes, Miz.  The basis for his heel turn is that he’s angry at being rejected by the fans, which is fair enough; sometimes in wrestling, when an act fails, you can embrace that and turn it to your advantage.  The actual execution of his heel turn was a bit wonky.  He turned heel on Twitter.  Then he turned heel again during several live shows in Europe.  Then he turned heel again on Raw by abandoning Kingston in a tag match, which is the set-up for this.  This is symptomatic of dodgy planning.  Doing a dry run on house shows is fair enough, but a switch of alignment ought to be a big deal and there shouldn’t be false starts.

Within the limits of pre-show matches, it should be fine.  Since he just turned and therefore needs the momentum, Miz ought to win.

Worth getting?  No.  The tag match looks promising; the men’s elimination match ought to be decent but lacks any storyline.  Other than that, you’ve got two insipid world title matches, and a women’s elimination match that sounds awful.  Two promising matches isn’t worth shelling out for.  You get enough decent matches for free on TV that PPVs really need much stronger storylines if they’re going to have a can’t-miss feel.