Cometh the disaster, cometh the charity single.  The Haiti earthquake has prompted plenty of fundraising efforts, and the British record industry’s contribution is this cover version of “Everybody Hurts”, credited to Helping Haiti.  The official video isn’t on their YouTube channel, but here’s an officially sanctioned set of still photos.

This was organised by Simon Cowell, supposedly at the request of the Prime Minister.  The complete list of participants: Leona Lewis, Rod Stewart, Mariah Carey, Cheryl Cole, Mika, Michael Buble, Joe McElderry, Miley Cyrus, James Blunt, half of Take That, Jon Bon Jovi, James Morrison, Alexandra Burke, Susan Boyle, half of JLS, half of Westlife, Kylie Minogue and Robbie Williams.  And it sounds pretty much exactly how you’d expect from a charity cover version with those artists attached.

Of course, charity singles are essentially review proof, because they’re not really about the quality.  They’re about the money and they’re about raising the profile of the cause.  Or, if you prefer, they’re records which people buy to show support.  Obviously, judged purely as a piece of music, it’s a mediocre cover version of a good song, and at best, it’s hard to imagine why anyone would listen to it in preference to the R.E.M. original.  But that’s not the point, really, and nobody seriously pretends that it is.

The single sold in vast quantities in its first couple of days on sale, but tailed off later in the week to sales which were merely very good rather than jawdropping.  In the end it shifted a little under half a million copies in its first week.  Interestingly, this week’s charity single – a remake of “We Are The World” – doesn’t seem to be selling anywhere near as well.  At the time of writing, it’s at number 25 on the British iTunes chart, which is surprisingly low.

R.E.M. themselves have never had a UK number one hit single, though they’ve had seven number one albums.  They’re one of those acts who sell mainly in albums, and whose track record on the singles chart gives a very distorted impression of their career – partly because they picked up some of their biggest hits with relatively minor singles that came out in quiet weeks.   The original of “Everybody Hurts” peaked at number 7 on its release in 1993.  Their biggest hit is technically “The Great Beyond”, which reached number 3 in 2000.  Their second biggest UK hit, surprisingly, is “E-Bow The Letter”, the lead single from “New Adventures in Hi-Fi”, which got to number 4 in 1996.

“Everybody Hurts” knocks Owl City off the top after a respectable three weeks.  “Fireflies” is still at number 2, so (unless there’s another major new release which has been rescheduled to avoid Helping Haiti) it would presumably have hung on for a fourth.  Three weeks is still enough to make it the longest-running number 1 since “Break Your Heart” by Taio Cruz last September.

Naturally, a bunch of singles have passed through the charts since I last wrote one of these.  From the sublime to the ridiculous…

• Jedward featuring Vanilla Ice: “Under Pressure (Ice Ice Baby)” – 15-minutes-of-fame novelty single from the notoriously talentless X Factor contestants.  This is a medley they performed (and I use the word loosely) on the show.  It entered at number 2 last week, but it’s plummetting now.  It’s terrible, but does provide the unusual spectacle of a record actually improving when Vanilla Ice starts rapping.
• Timbaland featuring Katy Perry, “If We Ever Meet Again” – number 3 and climbing.  He’s getting a bit formulaic, isn’t he?  Counting guest appearance, this is Timbaland’s 14th hit, and Perry’s sixth.
• Three separate records by the Glee Cast, who currently occupy four slots on the top 40: “Halo/Walking on Sunshine” at number 9, “It’s My Life/Confessions Part II” at number 14 and “Somebody To Love”, which peaked at number 26 last week.  This brings their total to five.  (Interestingly, Glee singles seem to sell best in their first week, when the show airs on E4, and don’t usually pick up sales in week two after the episode is repeated to a wider audience on Channel 4.  Odd, that.)
• Rihanna, “Rude Boy” – number 10 and climbing.  This is growing on me, actually.  Like the video.  Pretty colours.  Counting guest appearances, this is her 17th hit.
• Ke$ha featuring 3Oh!3, “Blah Blah Blah” – Second single from the debut album, which is like a cross between Lady Gaga and Daphne & Celeste.  Peaked at 11 but I suspect it’ll go further when the video comes out.
• Marina & The Diamonds, “Hollywood” – Peaked at number 12.  First hit for the hotly tipped (or massively hyped, depending on your point of view) Marina Diamindis, who isn’t actually a band, but who is “obsessed with the mess that’s America.”  Vaguely reminds me of Kate Bush.  Catchy, nice chiming synths, but might be a bit yelpy for some tastes.
• Cheryl Cole, “Parachute” – Third single, and the best track on the album.  Not quite sure about the video, mind you.  Entered at 26 this week, and sure to climb.
• Young Money featuring Lloyd, “Bedrock” – number 28 and climbing.  You’ve almost got to admire somebody who can write the lyric “Call me Mr Flintstone, I can make your bed rock”, and then thinks to themselves, “Yes, that’s worth building a whole single around…”  Gloriously inane.  (By the way, “Young Money” isn’t even a band – it’s Lil Wayne’s record label, and this is the lead single from an album featuring collaborations by its artists.)
• Calvin Harris, “You Used to Hold Me” – number 27 and climbing.  Seventh hit for the DJ/songwriter.  Video is a ten second idea stretched to three-and-a-half minutes.
• DJ Zinc featuring Ms Dynamite, “Wile Out” – new at number 38 this week.  DJ Zinc finally picks up a second hit single, ten years after “138 Trek” reached number 27.  Ms Dynamite was the next big thing in 2002, but hasn’t been seen in the chart for five years. 
• Lady Gaga featuring Beyonce, “Telephone” – currently stalled at number 39, but then it doesn’t have a video yet.  It’ll probably go further.