We have something of a surprise at number 1, as  “Wishing On A Star” by the X Factor Finalists fails to spend a second week at the top, despite having no major competition.  That leaves the way clear for 2009’s X Factor alumni Olly Murs’ “Dance With Me Tonight”, which has already spent a fortnight locked at number 2, and now gives him a third number 1 to join “Please Don’t Let Me Go” and “Heart Skips A Beat”.  It’s not very good, but here it is anyway.

The record is number one by default, due to the slump in sales for the X Factor charity single.  It’s the lowest-selling number one single in over two years.  Since the X Factor finals were this weekend, it’s pretty much guaranteed that he’ll only last a week; the coronation single is virtually certain to knock him off.

As for the charity record, it turns out to be a rare example of a single that’s selling predominantly in physical format.  With the collapse of most of Britain’s record chains, and the surviving HMV repositioning itself as a DVD/games store, there are very few outlets that stock CD singles any more, and almost none that give them prominence.  X Factor releases and major charity records are an exception, since supermarkets figure that they might shift some to impulse buyers.

Indeed, “Wishing on a Star” was number 1 in the midweeks, and still held on for number 2 on Sunday.  But over on the download chart (normally indistinguishable from the full singles chart), it’s slumped to number 12.  Not exactly ringing support from the regular record buying public, then.

Viewing figures for the finals were also down about four million on last year.  But it’s still a very big audience, and it’ll be amazing if winning act Little Mix don’t top the charts with ease.

Meanwhile, back in the normal world, the highest new entry is at number 3 for “Dedication To My Ex (Miss That)” by Lloyd featuring Andre 3000 and Lil Wayne.  We’re in Cee Lo Green territory here – vaguely retro with added swearing, basically.  The version below is the original; there’s also a radio edit which uses “loving” instead, but this is the “proper” version…

Unlike “Forget You”, this is a case where the radio edit actually works better.  The original lyric appears to envisage Lloyd detecting infidelity by exclusively gynaecological evidence, which invites distracting speculation as to his methodology.

As if to prove the commercial power of gratuitous swearing, Lloyd has been around since 2004, without ever making much of an impact in this country.  His only previous appearances in the UK charts was as a featured artist on “Bedrock” by Young Money (number 9 in 2010) and “Caught Up” by Ja Rule (number 20 in 2005).  And half the planet was on “Bedrock”.

Lil Wayne has never been much of a draw in Britain either.  This is his fourteenth hit, but the vast majority have been as guests.  In theory, his biggest hit was “Down” by Jay Sean (number 3 in 2009), but in his own right, he’s never made it above 26, and usually misses the top 40 altogether.  Andre 3000 is a bigger deal, since he was half of Outkast.  Their biggest UK hit was “Ms Jackson” (number 2 in 2001), though he also made number 3 as a solo guest on “Millionaire” by Kelis, back in 2004.

Neither of the guests appear in the video, by the way.  Andre is represented by a cat, and for some reason Wayne’s narration is lip-synched by Wayne Brady, who is apparently famous in America.

Further down the chart, we have a couple of R&B acts trying to sneak a last-minute hit in a quiet week for new releases.   Number 6 is “5 O’Clock” by T-Pain featuring Wiz Khalifa & Lily Allen.  You know how for a while everyone was massively overusing autotune to the point where it got painfully irritating?  You know how everyone seems to have stopped now?  Well, T-Pain’s still at it.  Granted, he was one of the first people to do it, but that’s no excuse.  Technically, T-Pain’s biggest UK hit was his appearance on “Low” by Flo Rida (number 2 in 2008), but as a lead artist, he’s never previously got past number 30 – so somehow or other, this is his biggest solo hit by a mile.  “Somehow or other” probably involves the prominent appearance of Lily Allen, a much bigger star who hasn’t had a single out (even as a guest star) in over a year.

At number 19, and rather better, is “Still Speedin'” by Sway, a UK rapper who’s been around for years without having much in the way of mainstream success.  His only previous hit (and then only barely) was “Little Derek”, which made number 38 in 2006.

As if you needed told, the chorus is taken from “Ride on Time” by Black Box, one of the biggest hits of 1989.

Black Box sparked something of a controversy at the time.  The actual members were three Italian producers, but for promotional purposes they presented model Katrin Quinol as their front woman, despite the minor technicality that she wasn’t on any of their records.  While the vocals on “Ride on Time” are obviously the product of studio editing, Black Box didn’t exactly go out of their way to identify the real source.  The vocals are actually sampled from Loleatta Holloway’s 1980 single “Love Sensation”, and litigation duly resulted.  (This wasn’t entirely Black Box’s fault.  They had licensed the sample, but it turned out that the relationship between Holloway and her record company was something of a quagmire.)

Other Black Box vocals were performed by Martha Wash of the Weather Girls, who was apparently told that they were going to be used for club release only, and wasn’t best pleased when she saw them being promoted to mainstream audiences with a model lip-synching to her uncredited vocals.  More litigation duly resulted, and that, boys and girls, is why there are so many “featuring” credits in the chart these days.

Number 29 is “Our Day Will Come” by Amy Winehouse, originally a rejected track from her debut “Frank”, and now serving as the second single from her posthumous collection “Lioness”.  The album itself enters at number 1, making the single something of an afterthought.   It’s a cover version of a 1963 single by Ruby & The Romantics, which was a massive hit in America, but only reached number 38 in the UK.

Further down the chart, the deluge of Christmas re-entries is upon us, with Justin Bieber’s “Mistletoe” at 23 (nearly matching its number 21 peak from October),  Wham!’s “Last Christmas” at 26, Wizzard’s “I Wish It Could Be Christmas Every Day” at 28, Slade’s “Merry Xmas Everybody” at 33, and Band Aid’s “Do They Know It’s Christmas” at 34 – a rare example of a charity record that continues to sell, over a quarter century after release, because people actually like it.  The Pogues’ “Fairytale of New York” climbs seven places to number 15, and Mariah Carey’s “All I Want For Christmas With You” jumps from 27 to 12 (possibly helped by a viral video filmed on a Navy ship, which got a lot of coverage from the British media as a much-needed feel good story).